Over arid hills they come
from miles away, to spend a day
with cash and cameras, they meander along.
Over arid hills they come.
The buses stop and stay awhile,
unloading their blind-eyed crew
in unkempt grass that collects no dew.
Over arid hills they come.
The cameras flash and strike a view
of land that once was bathed in blood-
where innocents met a horrific end,
killed by uniform in December mud.
Give back the Rushmores, Libertys
of the many, from the few,
but it will never heal the Wounded Knee
and give it life anew.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
so they are tourists
hmmm.....I think if I would have written it I would simply have mentioned it but all of us have different views
The last stanza's are emotionally written. Tell you what write emotional stuff you have a talent for it.
Hope you succeed in future
~ayman~
Actually, the meter works for me. Okay, I know I'm just the writer, but if I change those words that don't exactly fit, I feel like I'm losing some of the meaning behind them. Not all poems have to rhyme exactly, look at Emily Dickenson. Sorry, and thanks for your imput.
It's really very good, but I think that some of your rhythm is a bit off in places. I'd try saying it aloud so you can see this for yourself, but I'll make a couple of suggestions in the hope that I can help.
I'd change line three to "with cameras and cash they meander along", as I think that it reads more easily.
I'd put "awhile" as two words instead of one.This second stanza seems to jar a little. I'd change "unloading" to "off-loading" or "dispatching". It doesn't change the syllabyl count, but I think it sounds better. I'd also change "unkempt" to a one syllabyl word.
The second line of the second last stanza is a little too long. Maybe try:
Of a land once drenched in blood.
"Where innocents met a horrific end" is also too long, and disrupts tthe rhythm. I also think its weak in comparison with some of your other lines, which are very powerful, so I'd change this line altogether.
I love "killed by uniform in December mud."
I'd change the second last line to "but it won't heal the wounded knee," again for the sake of improoving the rhythm.
Overall, I think your theme is fresh, interesting and well developed, and your enjambment is very effective.Your rhyme was also very good.
Thank you all for the criticism, its very helpful. I'd just like to explain, though, that 'Libertys' was in reference to the Statue of Liberty. I hope that dispells the confusion.
I'm glad that so many have found meaning in this, it is as I intended. I actually visited Wounded Knee not too long ago and I was appalled at the condition it was in.
This was a really beautiful poem. I could actually feel something from this even though it was quite simple. The overall meaning of it though kind of took over. Very nice.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Beautiful, darling. There are very few poems that can creep beneath the ability to make me smile and touch the ability to make me silent--this is one of those. Your quiet sincerity and perfectly appropriate formatting are delightful, your word choice exquisite.
One small gramatical thing:
I believe it should be "blind-eyed."
*bows* I take my hat off to you.
I love this.
I really understand what you're saying here. You're talking about how ignorant people are to the fact that so many had to die for freedom, right?
It's definitely supposed to be "Liberties" not "Libertys". Other then that it's great.
I was trying to say that they are blind and unfeeling tourists.
what I get is that somebody come on a bus with a crew taking a camera...
It does'nt makes sence!
I can tell there's a lot of sincerity in this poem. I think that nearly very line is good, but there are a couple that I think could be better.
What I get is--the crew is "blind" to what happened at Wounded Knee. If that's what you wanted, then you might what to use a different word/phrase. that might be hard to keep the rhythm, but "blind eyed" just makes me think of...well, blind people. Which isn't what you want. Next, why does the grass collect no dew? Does it really, or did you just say that to sound good?
Should it be "Liberties"? I'm not sure, but maybe you should look into that.
My favorite part in this piece were the repetition of the "over arid hills they come". I really think that you should end the poeme with this line because it is so strong a thought and because it will bring the poem full-circle.
Also, I like that not telling us what you were actually talking about until the end was effective.
good job.